How to Support Someone with Trauma

Last month, there were two tragic shootings, one in Boulder, and one in Atlanta. Both of these events left families and communities traumatized. As I write this article, Derek Chauvin is on trial and Daunte White’s family is grieving. There is no shortage of trauma in this world, and I know you know someone who has experienced trauma. Healing trauma does not have to only happen in a therapist’s office. It can also happen in our communities and personal relationships. You can help by first, being trauma-informed, and second, responding well when someone shares their trauma with you.

How To Be Trauma-Informed

Anyone can be trauma-informed. Further, we can work to make our communities and workplaces more trauma-informed. This means acknowledging that people have trauma and that their trauma shapes their beliefs and behavior. Instead of asking what is wrong with a person, we can ask what has happened to this person. A classic example is seeing a person experiencing homelessness. One reaction is thinking “they should get a job and pick themselves up.” A trauma-informed approach recognizes that being homeless is traumatic and the person may have many traumatic experiences that make it hard to “just get a job”.

Being Intentional About Trauma

Another part of being trauma-informed is intentionally not retraumatizing people. People need to feel safe after trauma. We can be safe people by paying attention to our words, body language, and by being trustworthy. Trust in people is broken after a trauma. Being trustworthy means following through with what we say and being consistent with our words and actions over time. In the traumatic experience itself, people don’t have choices or power. We empower others when we give choices and teach instead of doing for someone. Going back to the person experiencing homelessness, we can ask the person if they would like our help or not. Perhaps they do not want to interact or they have their own method of seeking out resources.

Acknowledging Privilege

Lastly, being trauma-informed means being aware of our own privilege and how someone else’s culture, history, or gender may affect how they respond to us. If you are a white person interacting with a minority who grew up in the US, you can assume this person has not been treated the same as you. You can assume they have had to work twice as hard for things and have experienced racism. Racism is traumatic. If you are straight and cisgender, you can assume that your transgender coworker has experienced some interpersonal trauma. So, it may take them a while to trust you.

How To Respond When Someone Shares Their Trauma

When you are trauma-informed, you have a good foundation for responding to someone who has gone through trauma. If you want to support others, you must support yourself too. The first step is educating yourself about trauma and PTSD. I highly recommend the book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Vander Kolk. In learning about PTSD, you will learn that trauma can make people irritable, moody, and angry, because it is an overwhelming experience for them. Their mood is not about you, so try not to take it personally. Know when to set boundaries for yourself and keep living your own life. You might feel helpless, sad, guilty, anxious, and angry too. These are normal feelings, and it is important for you to find ways to cope with these feelings, so you don’t become traumatized too.

Knowing more about trauma means you will recognize it more in the people around you. Someone will eventually share their trauma with you and you need to know how to respond. It happens more often than you think. Just this weekend, a fellow mountain biker shared about her traumatic upbringing. I’m glad I was equipped with some good responses. In the moment, I said something to the tune of, “Things were rough with your dad. Would you like to talk about it?” She did in fact want to share more which leads me to some practical tips for what to do and not to do when this happens.

Helpful ways to respond to trauma:

1. Be there

Make it obvious that you are available for support and prove it through your actions. Trauma can feel isolating and make people want to further isolate themselves. Do normal things with the person. Keep inviting them. And encourage them to stay involved in healthy things. Offer practical support if they want that, like offering to take the kids, the dogs, or cooking a meal. Small things go a long way too, such as texting that you are thinking of them. If they want to talk about the trauma, let them.

2. Be a good listener

Actively listen to them, meaning take time to give your attention, validate, reflect, and ask good questions. You don’t have to have the right thing to say and you don’t have to make them feel less distressed. It is more important that the person feels heard and understood. Put yourself in their shoes and acknowledge how hard this is. Show that you understand by paraphrasing with “It sounds like”, “You seem really”, “No wonder you feel”, etc. Ask questions like “Would it be helpful to talk about x?” Acknowledge how overwhelming and difficult this is.

3. Give space

The person may not want to talk about the trauma and might need some time alone. Respect if they need some time alone. Don’t pressure them to talk to you, accept support, or spend time with you. Let them take the lead on when and how much they talk about things. Understand that the person might not know what they want or need from you and it is more of a burden to answer questions about how you can help.

4. Create safety

Help the person feel physically and emotionally safe. Anticipate their triggers. For example, do not pick a violent, sexist movie if you know the person has gone through war or has been assaulted. Maybe loud noises and too much sensory input is a trigger, so you need to keep the environment quiet and peaceful.

5. Empower & encourage

Recognize and point out the person’s strengths and achievements. It might be hard for them to see that things are getting better. It is helpful for you to share when you are seeing things improve, while also acknowledging how hard this is.

Things to avoid when someone shares about trauma:

1. Don’t make it about you

Cope with your own emotional experience with another person. Don’t share your traumatic experience with someone sharing their trauma with you. Don’t judge. Judgment is the opposite of creating safety and shuts people down. Doing these things is about you and not the person who needs support.

2. Don’t tell them what to do

Don’t push them to talk about trauma if they don’t want to. Don’t demand they get professional help or turn to religion. People will go to therapy or seek any kind of help on their own terms. Sometimes they won’t seek help, but part of empowering others is also letting them decide how they want to address their trauma. You can encourage them to do healthy things and get out, but don’t push them to do these things.

3. Avoid toxic positivity

Avoid simple reassurances and empty platitudes like “you’ll be okay” or “everything happens for a reason.” This fails to acknowledge how devastating trauma is. Trauma is and should be distressing. The person does not have to look on the bright side, cheer up, or talk about puppies instead.

4. Avoid victim blaming

No one asks for something bad to happen to them by what they wear, where they go, what they consume, or who they associate with. An example of victim blaming is saying that George Floyd died because of drugs, when in fact he was murdered by a police officer. Victim blaming can also look like interrogating or asking for a lot of details rather than letting the person share freely.

5. Don’t treat them differently

The person has gone through a painful event, but they are the same whole, resilient person you have always known. My acquaintance is still a mountain biker, not a childhood abuse victim that needs to be treated with kid gloves. Grief, pain, fear, anger, and sadness are normal responses after a trauma. Don’t treat the person as weak, fragile, or broken. Don’t tolerate abuse or being mistreated. Trauma is not an excuse for bad behavior.

This is not an exhaustive list of what to do or not to do. We are living in a time with more resources than ever and becoming more trauma-informed as a whole. As we collectively become more aware of what is traumatic for people, my hope is that we can also become more aware of how we can respond to others. After every mass shooting, people talk about a need for more mental health resources. After every person is murdered by the police, we talk about police reform. These things are needed and as individuals, we can be a resource to others by knowing how to respond in a supportive, compassionate way. By doing our part and learning more about being trauma-informed, we can help heal trauma in our relationships and communities.