A Therapist’s Thoughts On Club Q
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” - Yoda(character from Star Wars written by George Lucas)
That quote is almost right and chock full of wisdom. I would add that unchecked, festered fear leads to anger and unchecked, festered, inappropriate, anger leads to hate. There are many other quotes about not fighting hate with hate, taking the high road, and that holding on to anger is like drinking a poison. Many quotes fit the bill, but the point is to not stay so fearful that it leads to consequences for yourself or more suffering for the world.
The shooting at Club Q has created more suffering for the world and it certainly didn’t come from a place of love. I don’t want to speculate about the shooter’s intentions or if it was a bias motivated crime. I can guess it was. Either way, the impact is still one of feeling unsafe, hated, terrorized, sad, scared, angry, and traumatized. Club Q was a safe space for queer people, which is super important. All though I rarely go to clubs, I know first hand how important a space like this is. I remember that in my youth, when I was coming out, it was super important to have examples of other queer people, to have community that understood me, and to feel less other and more of a sense of belonging in these spaces. Being in a space with your people allows you to let your shoulders down and breathe. It is also a space to celebrate being queer and just have fun, in a world where many are all too aware of their differences. After this shooting and the Pulse shooting in Florida, I think that ability to relax will be more and more difficult.
I write this blog, not just for the LGBTQ+ people out there, but for everyone. A few, kind, straight friends checked on my partner and I to see how we were doing. I appreciate it. I asked them the same question, because all though it was in a LGBTQ+ space, something like this affects everyone. As a result of the shooter, there are dozens, maybe hundreds, of people directly affected, feeling grief, loss, trauma, and less safe in the world. The world lost 5 wonderful people and dozens more will be recovering from this for a while. That is a loss for everyone, no matter how you identify. It also added to a long list of places where you could potentially be a victim of gun violence in this country. For me, queer or not, I have less trust than I already did in our justice system. This person had previous troubles and yet was able to get a gun and do this. Even if you don’t identify as queer, I would argue that this shooting has an impact on how you move through the world too.
If you do identify as LGBTQ+, I don’t want to minimize the ways that this may be impacting you. There is speculation that this was politically motivated. I don’t know. I do know that there have been more and more bills introduced with the intent of limiting the rights of queer people. I do know that Florida introduced the dumbest ever don’t say gay bill. I do know there is increased rhetoric that is homophobic and transphobic in nature. I suspect it will be harder to gather as a crowd with other gay people or even walk in public, visibly queer. Speaking of my own experience, I feel a heightened awareness of my surroundings, who is around me, who is staring, and having to remember to think about my safety.
As a trauma therapist, I often work with people on feeling more safe in the world. It is never an absolute and I can’t tell someone they will be 100% safe in the world. That is just not reality. What I can do is help people increase a sense of safety in their own body, in their own living situation, and trust themself to keep their body and being safe. When I say safe, I mean physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual safety.
Going back to the quote from Yoda, it is okay to feel your anger, fear, sadness, grief, and whatever feelings are coming up right now. Anger, in particular, is protective. It is the warning light on the car saying something is wrong here. It tells you to keep yourself safe, to keep your boundaries, and not let toxic things into your system. If you’re feeling angry right now, let yourself feel it, move through it, and channel it in a productive way. That is why I said unchecked, inappropriate anger leads to hate. In this case, I would say your anger is appropriate, but you can choose what you want to do with it. Aiming your anger at all young white men, all Republicans, all gun owners, or all straight people may not be that productive or reduce your anger. Using your anger to support LGBTQ causes, fire people up to support the victims, and to protect yourself will not lead to hate.
Your fear is also appropriate. Something terrifying did happen. The world is actually less safe after this happened. All though, I feel somewhat more safe knowing that there are people able and willing to take down a gunman. That is impressive. It is okay to feel your fear. You don’t have to ignore it, deny it, push it away, pretend you’re not afraid, or any of that. Your fear makes sense and is protective like your anger. Part of not letting the fear fester though, is finding ways to feel safe again.
Some ideas for restoring a sense of safety:
1.Connecting to people who feel nurturing, comforting, and safe to be around. If you can’t do that right now, recalling how you feel around them and sitting with that comforting, safe feeling for a few seconds is a great way to feel safe in your system.
2. Grounding, meaning doing something to remind yourself you are safe where you at, you are right here, right now in this moment. Some people like using the senses, thinking of 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. For others, you could just tune in and describe the things around you or whatever helps remind you of the present moment.
3. Centering. Put one hand on your heart, one on your belly. Lengthen your spine. Take full, slow expansive breaths.
4. Breathing. Imagine drawing a square with your breath. Or imagine letting your breath fill up your lungs, your belly, your whole body. You could count to 4 on your inhale, hold for a count of 4, and exhale for a count of 6, or whatever feels right for you with the counting.
5. Thoughts. You can remind yourself that you are safe in the present moment, that you are able to keep yourself safe, and that your feelings are okay, but will also pass.
6. Connecting to a space that feels safe for you. Maybe there is a space in your house, a place in the world that feels safe, or when you hear a certain song, you feel safe. Whether or not you can physically access it, you can visualize it, connect to how your body feels in that space, and feel safe and connected in that.
7. Increasing positive feelings. During a time of grief, it is okay and important to also find things you have gratitude for, to express love and compassion for yourself and others, and to pay attention to moments of joy, laughter, happiness, warmth, and all the other feel good feelings.
This list could go on and you may have your own ideas on how to return to feeling safe. If you’re feeling stuck in your fear, anger, grief, or replaying the trauma, I encourage you to seek out therapy. Even if you’re not feeling stuck, but feeling affected, I encourage therapy. EMDR is highly effective for recovering from recent traumatic events as well as recovering from old traumas that are triggered. As I’ve said before, the trauma is actually what happens inside of you, regardless of the event. Healing isn’t about replaying the event, staying in fear or anger, staying highly informed, or things like that. Healing is about working within your own system to feel safe, to feel good, and to be able to connect with the world.