To the Neurodivergent Woman in Denver Whose Been Told She’s “Too Much”
Dear neurodivergent woman in Denver—or the one quietly wondering if that might be you,
Maybe you’ve spent most of your life hearing that you’re “too much” and, somehow, also “not enough.” Too sensitive, too emotional, too intense, too talkative, too quiet, too weird. At the same time, you might feel like you’re never quite doing enough, achieving enough, or being enough for the people around you. It’s a painful, confusing double-bind.
On the outside, you might look like you have it together. You’re the responsible one at work, the friend everyone comes to for advice, the family member who remembers birthdays and organizes visits. Inside, though, there’s often a constant hum of anxiety and self-doubt. You might spend hours replaying conversations, wondering if you said the wrong thing, or rehearsing future interactions in your head.
If you’ve ever wondered whether ADHD, autism, or some other form of neurodivergence could explain why life feels harder for you than it seems to be for others, this letter is for you.
The hidden labor of masking
Many neurodivergent women and AFAB (assigned female at birth) folks learn early on that they’re supposed to be easy to be around. You might have been rewarded for being helpful, accommodating, high-achieving, and low-maintenance. When you spoke up about being overwhelmed, hurt, or uncomfortable, you may have been told that you were overreacting or being dramatic.
Over time, you learned to mask. You studied how other people behaved and tried to copy it. You watched which jokes landed, which topics were “safe,” and how often you were allowed to talk before someone’s eyes glazed over. You learned how to nod at the right times, force eye contact even when it felt like too much, and swallow your confusion when social rules didn’t make sense.
Masking can be incredibly effective in the short term. It helps you fit in, keep jobs, and maintain relationships. But it comes at a cost. By the time you get home at the end of the day, you might feel utterly depleted, desperate to be alone, or on the brink of tears for reasons you can’t quite name. Your nervous system has been working nonstop to keep up the performance of “acceptable” womanhood, and it’s exhausted.
When your body says “no” even as your mouth says “yes”
You might recognize yourself in the pattern of overcommitting and then crashing. A friend invites you to an event that sounds fun in theory. In the moment, you say yes because you don’t want to disappoint them and, honestly, a part of you hopes that this time will be different. When the day arrives, your body feels heavy, your thoughts race, and every fiber of your being wants to stay home.
Sometimes you push through, go anyway, and spend the whole time monitoring yourself: Am I talking too much? Do I look awkward? Are they bored? Other times, you cancel at the last minute, then beat yourself up for being flaky. Either way, it reinforces the story that you are “too much” for other people and “not enough” in your ability to handle what seems easy for them.
This isn’t a personal failing. For many neurodivergent women, social situations involve layers of sensory input, unspoken expectations, and anxiety about fitting in. Your “no” isn’t about hating people; it’s about your body trying to protect you from overwhelm.
Why so many neurodivergent women are missed or misdiagnosed
If you grew up as a girl or AFAB person, your neurodivergence may have gone unnoticed for a long time. You may have been labeled “anxious,” “depressed,” or “perfectionistic” without anyone asking why your system was running on such high alert.
Many assessment tools and diagnostic criteria were historically based on how neurodivergence presents in boys and men. Girls and AFAB folks are more likely to internalize their struggles, mask socially, and work hard to please adults. You may have gotten good grades or been described as “mature for your age,” which hid the effort it took to keep up.
As an adult, you might recognize yourself in online descriptions of ADHD or autism but question whether you “count” because you’ve learned to cope so well. You might swing between certainty and doubt, especially if people in your life react with surprise or skepticism when you share your suspicions.
Whether or not you have a formal diagnosis, your lived experience matters. You don’t need a piece of paper to validate that your brain works differently and that this has shaped your life in significant ways.
What counseling for neurodivergent women in Denver can offer
Therapy that understands neurodivergent women is different from therapy that treats your struggles as random symptoms to be fixed. Instead, it looks at the broader context of your life: the messages you received about being “too much,” the pressures of gender expectations, the ways you learned to mask, and the specific challenges your brain and body face day-to-day.
In counseling, we might explore questions like:
Who did you feel you had to be in order to be loved, accepted, or safe growing up?
Which parts of your personality feel authentic, and which feel like armor?
How does your nervous system react in different situations, and what helps you come back to yourself?
We can experiment with small, manageable ways of unmasking—maybe letting yourself stim in session, showing up when you’re “not fine,” or saying what you really think without cushioning it so heavily. The goal isn’t to throw you into the deep end of vulnerability all at once. It’s to create a space where you can slowly experience what it’s like to be more fully yourself and still be met with warmth and respect.
We can also look at practical supports around executive functioning, burnout, and relationships. That might mean building flexible routines that work with your natural rhythms, practicing language for setting boundaries that feel doable, or unpacking why certain friendships and partnerships have felt particularly draining or confusing.
You are not too much; you’ve been carrying too much
If you’ve internalized the idea that you are inherently overwhelming or difficult, it can be hard to imagine another story. But what if the problem has never been your sensitivity, intensity, or deep thinking? What if the problem is that you haven’t had many places where those traits were welcomed and valued?
As a therapist who works with neurodivergent women in Denver, Colorado, I see again and again how much strength, creativity, and care you hold. I also see how heavy it is to constantly manage other people’s emotions, anticipate criticism, and compress yourself into smaller and smaller shapes to avoid being “too much.”
Therapy can be a place where you slowly try on the possibility that you are not broken, dramatic, or fundamentally wrong. You might still be intense, sensitive, or deeply thoughtful—but those traits can be sources of connection and wisdom rather than shame.
If you’re reading this and feeling a lump in your throat, you’re not alone. You don’t have to keep holding this all by yourself. I offer online counseling across Colorado, so whether you’re in Denver or elsewhere in the state, we can connect in a way that works for you.
When you’re ready, I’d love to meet the version of you that exists underneath all the performing and pleasing. Together, we can get curious about who you are when you’re not busy trying to be less.
With care,
A Denver counselor for neurodivergent women